A Panamaian Woman

Interviewer: Agbor

Interviewee: Claudia

Place: Peoria, AZ

Date: May 2009

While I stand in the kitchen located in Peoria, AZ, the phone rings. My soon to become interviewee, Claudia, answers the phone and speaks in Spanish. Just before hand, we were caring a conversation in English. I have known her for eleven years and I am also her hairstylist. She is a beautiful strong older God fearing black woman, who has endured pain and suffering physically as well as emotionally. It was right then and there, when I asked her to tell me about her story as she came from Panama to the United States. I was curious to know what border she had to cross. She agreed. She asked if I could braid her hair. I consented. As I stood there in the kitchen braiding her hair in cornrows, I found myself noticing that she was talking about her oldest daughter whom she is living with in the home. Her story took place over a two-day period. On the first day there was no one else present in the home. It was a relaxed atmosphere with a sense of security. The second day there was an aroma of food, herbs from Panama and the smell of fried plantain cooking. The daughter represented the friction of law enforcement and how it plays a role in border zone boundaries. On the second day, the conversation was not as relaxed. She starts to tell her story and how she remembers it.

My oldest daughter is so busy with work and her daughter’s school and extra activities that she does not have time for me. I don’t like the fact that I have to sit in the house everyday and can’t work. I do not mind staying with my daughter, but sometimes I feel bad about the way she treats me and how she treats her father better. I live with my daughter and I am here to watch over my granddaughter’s well being. When I was a child you know, I was molested from the ages of seven to twelve. I do not want my grandchild to go through the same things I did - that is why I am here. I have three children and my youngest is still in Panama. Sometimes I want to leave and give her space.

She is mean to me sometimes and I think it is because I had to send her to the states. She has never forgiven me for that and always ask, “why did I have to send her and not her sister and brother?” I tell her that it was not me it was her grandmother and she made me send her to the states. She was my oldest and while I was working as a single mom being mom and dad; my mother would watch my children for me that is why I watch my grandchild for my daughter, because my mother did the same for me. My mother did not like the friends she was hanging around and there is no telling what she would of become if she stayed. She had a better life here. These girls were talking and going over grown men homes and taking money. So I came up with the money to send her to her dad in the states –he was in the US army.

He was not good. I was fourteen and he took me from my mother’s home and took my innocence, I was young and it only took one time for me to get pregnant. I was sad when I had to send my first born to the states, but there was nothing I could do because my mother had already spoken. I sent my oldest to her father in 1974 by plane. Her father was remarried with children in New York. Her father made her resentful toward me and she is the same way till this day. I would pray to God and ask him to allow me to forgive this man. I had so much hate for this man I would see red in my eyes. It took me a long time to forgive him for what he did to my family. She will buy him cigarettes and I live with her and watch my granddaughter, but I have to pay for everything and if I ask her to do something it is always, “I’m tired or too busy.” Her father was mistreating her by making her feel different from her siblings. She would have to baby-sit all the other kids while her dad and his wife went out on the town. After knowing that, I had to come to the states to take care of my daughter.

I come over in 1980 and went to West Palm Beach, Miami. I come by plane and at the time all you needed was a green card. This lady pay for my ticket from Panama to Miami and it only cost $800. She told me I had to repay her the money by working for her. I worked for her three months and after that I said forget this – I’m gone. She took my papers and hid them, so I did not know where they were. I was sent to the supermarket and worked for her friend as a cashier and meat packager. That is when; I get to know I can make more money. She treated me right, if not, then I would find another way. When I came, my family told me I couldn’t stay so I went to Brooklyn, NY where my oldest daughter lived. But I had to make money first so I stayed with my employers. A friend helped me to take a greyhound bus to New York. I lived there with my daughter and her husband in the US army. I was afraid when I come over that I wouldn’t find a job. Sometimes it was hard finding work, because people would mistreat you if they knew you didn’t have your papers or thought you were dumb. I stayed with my oldest daughter until I found work. I worked with some rich white people with the last name Chas. I would work for them from 1984 until 1991 and they were good to me. They helped me get my papers in NY; with a lawyer it cost $3,000. The Chas paid well and gave me many gifts. The gifts would be boxes of Chas clothing. They really treated me like family, you know. I would have stayed with them if I could keep up with them. Even though I was in the states I still had a mom, son and daughter in Panama. I try to send for my children and my mom. I tell INS that I am trying to send for them and fix their papers. INS never informed me that I could send for them with my papers and they never helped me. I had to find out later on my own.

Boy I tell you, it was scary living in New York. You have to do everything fast – everybody walk fast and talk fast. They say, “You cant live in New York, can’t live anywhere else in the world.” That is a place where you can get tough!

I moved to Yuma, AZ in 1991. When I came, I lived with my daughter and her husband. The transition was okay; I ate the same food because my family was cooking the same foods we ate in Panama. In Panama we eat coconut, jerk chicken, plantain, rice and peas and fried stewed chicken. I was always lonely, because I left my two kids back home and my mom. I still tried to bring my two kids and mom, but my mom got blind and it was hard plus she did not want to come. My mom stayed with my daughter in Panama. I don’t know any cousins in Panama. I had one uncle who was a singer and he moved to the states –he never dealt with us. Once I moved to the states, I tried to find him but that cost a lot of money and it takes time. I never found him. I did not know why in Panama it took so long to fix papers and INS never informed me when I would mention my kids. Moving from New York to Yuma, the people were slower like zombies. I never really liked Yuma- it was strange. I like Phoenix better even though it is hot.

In 2000, my son was able to come over to the states. To fix his papers, he would have to return to Panama and wait. He did not want to return and wait, so he stayed and married an American. He has been trying to bring his two kids over from Panama and they just got here. My son spoke of the process of getting his children over here and he said it was much harder. He started in 2003 and they just came in 2009. When September 11 2001 happened, I was in Phoenix at that time. I did not know anyone up there, because all my family was in Phoenix now. I saw it on the news and it was bad.

I feel the United States of America is the land of opportunity for my children and grandchildren. You know in my home country they taught us in Spanish and if your parents don’t speak to you in English then you don’t learn it. We are able to practice religion freely; but the Catholic Church priest speaks Italian so you don’t understand them, you just know to stand up in church when they say Amen!

In the US you really get to know what discrimination is like and what people have to face. There is no discrimination in Panama so we cannot comprehend it – but it’s not until you get here that you know what they are talking about. I can just imagine what my father must of went through while living in the states growing up when he did. He is American. He lived in Panama but when I was just a baby he had to return because his mom was sick. When my dad had returned to Panama, we had moved – he tried to look for me, but he couldn’t find me. I am the only sibling. My brother died when he was 45. He was a policeman and while guarding the bank he was shot. He lived in Panama. My sister died at 15 from rheumatoid arthritis. 

Noriega was the president of Panama and he was dealing in wars and drugs. You know his actions made him corrupt. It affected everything and it devalued the dollar. So people would go to the US for jobs. Once I see how much more money I can make, I didn’t want to go back. In Panama you make fifty dollars a month. In the states you can make $800-$900 a month for the same type of work.

When you come over here, if you work hard and don’t do anything different like drugs or getting involved in the law then you will make it. I remember when I came to New York, I was home sick and thought it was hard working with Americans. I wanted to study when I first got here, but I got sick. My life was lonely in the United States. I was taking care of babies Monday thru Friday on the job and would go home on the weekend. But you have to cope. I am here for the future and it is up to me to make it possible. It is tough. Americans make it tough for you, because they make it seem as if they are better than you by making you feel different. As long as you always put God first, you will make it.

That reminds me of this white lady who wanted to cook like we do in Panama. She wanted to cook rice and coconut and she put the whole coconut in the rice! She was to use the juice from inside the coconut. She never asked me, so I did not care if she messed up. She fed the food to people – I did not eat it. That was so funny – coconut hair was in the rice! Because there are no jobs, men would steal of the docked boats to make money so whites don’t export to Panama. The ones who are retired go there to live. I remember working for an Italian and there was a broken down heater in the room. They kept that house so cold. Boy, I was scared to turn the heater on in fear it would blow up.

Since I got hurt, I get SSI. Thank the Lord for that! I don’t know what I would do for cash. The only person left in Panama is my daughter and her husband. I have sent for her and she could come over, but she wanted her husband to come and now it will take them ten years. I wonder if she can come and just visit while she waits? Sometimes I feel it is just myself, but I do have my three kids and four grandkids. I thank God.